Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
the three branches of government
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.