Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
That’s incredible! 👌
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
How does one answer this?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.