shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
You Might Also Like
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.