I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma