Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
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Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
They grow up so quick
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*