I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Pretty much! 😂👀
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My love language is deader than Latin
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.