Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
is this a warning or an offer?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.