My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Put a ring on it
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt