“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
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I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
No, he would not have.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Aaaa…CHOO!
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”