Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
when you order from DoorDastardly
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl