Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…