When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.