You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?