Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
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“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.