I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
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i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
you will never know the true number of layers
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you