Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.