Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me