me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all