[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
buys donuts instead
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Every time.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over