Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.