i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”