“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
You Might Also Like
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Today’s Times