I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
A great tip. #CakeRex
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous