6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about