Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.