I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.