“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
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“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I enjoy a good short stor
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”