*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
You Might Also Like
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
🏙👨🏼
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday