I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.