*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Seems a bit forward
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️