If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.