Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
i dont have time for this
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.