Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]