The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*