[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
You Might Also Like
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
BETRAYAL
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
They’re called werewolves.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Well, this certainly took a turn
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad