Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
scares
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing