THE AUDACITY. 😤
You Might Also Like
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.