Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
no regrets
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.