Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
😂😂😂