A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 馃槈
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Didn鈥檛 think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend鈥檚 one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Why font matters.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we鈥檝e got some Victorian wasting disease
This made me laugh more than it should鈥檝e 馃槶
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I hope it鈥檚 French Onion!
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
4: Let鈥檚 go to back Target, we can get the Pok茅mon stuff
Me: But you don鈥檛 have any more money
4: That鈥檚 okay, we can use your money
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn鈥檛 a chocolate cookie
me:
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
We have a winner.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.