[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
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“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Straight people are cancelled
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: