“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”