doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
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Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?