When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.