I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I finally found a reason to live again.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.