You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Quadruple digit IQ
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile