[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits