I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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