Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
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[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim