Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Thrilling chase underway
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves